i feel a little bit like jerry jewel

wednesday morning, i woke up with a stiff neck.  this has happened many times before, and any soreness is usually gone by mid-day.  after a few minutes, though, i realized that this something entirely different.  i believe i pinched a nerve in my neck, because to move my head was excruciating, and i had the occasional tingle down my arm.  long story short, i spent the lat two days doing nothing except being miserable.  i woke up this morning feeling like i was on the road to recovery, and i have a chiropractor’s appointment for this afternoon, so hopefully he can help me feel even better.  he’ll probably give me a quick adjustment and then send me in to a massage therapy session.  to which i will always say…bring it on!  i’m just so relieved that i feel improvement today.  i was worried that i wouldn’t be able to travel on monday.  which would have been tragic.

i left out what exactly woke us up wednesday.  there are condos being built across the street, so there has been some loud construction pretty early in the morning lately.  truthfully, it doesn’t bother me all that much.  i can usually sleep through it, and when i’m awake, i just tune it out.  well, the jackhammers started at about 7:30am, followed by screaming, ranting, and raving from my building’s upstairs balcony.  one of my neighbors was cursing the workers out, and then THREW A METAL ROD DOWN AT THEM.  wtf???  this guy has serious issues…he’s the worst neighbor ever, yet he seems to have a problem with everyone around him.  seriously, him and his girlfriend complain constantly about everything under the sun, yet are rude, loud, and inconsiderate.  and apparently crazy and violent.  and the kicker of all this?  the guy building the condos is our landlord’s best friend, and this guy knows this.  whatever. i really don’t feel safe with him living here, and i hope he gets tossed out on his ass so i never have to hear his lame-ass KTU goomba dance music blasting ever again. ugh.  there is so much more i could say about the two of them, but it’s making me too mad.

can we talk for a sec about the american idol finale?  i have not the time to do a full recap, but a few things need to be mentioned:

• what is wrong with meat loaf?  no, seriously, i’m worried.  and furious that the producers would make katharine sing with him in that condition.  he was nowhere near the right key, he was shaking violently, and he looked as though he was going to eat her.
• "i made it through the rain" was the best they could come up with as an opening song?
• "puck and pickler" was offensive and boring OMG PRODUCERS ENOUGH WITH THE PICKLER SCHTICK!!
• paris and al jarreau, awesome, elliot and mary j., awesome.
• taylor and toni braxton…scary.  first of all, what was up with the weird breathy over affected could barely hear her singing voice?  and even worse, why was she literally grinding up against him and smiling and laughing when they were singing "in the ghetto"?  she is a hot mess.
• not only do i hate clay gayken, i am now thoroughly creeped out by him with that hair.

all in all, this finale was the best one they’ve ever done.  the format and performers were way more interesting than ever before.  but for every great moment, there was an equally scary one (example:  prince performs…david hasselhoff crying in the audience).  and tuesday’s episode was the worst.  ever.  the singles that they write for the finalists are usually bad and way cheesy, but this year they reached new levels of suckdom.  katharine’s song was the worst piece of shit i’ve ever heard, and her performance of it was even worse.  taylor’s song was a little bit better, and he sang it fine, but it was just so not him, ya know?  anyway, taylor wins, paula claps like a seal, blah blah blah.  see ya next season.

random thought:  i really hate that there is a sequel coming out to the live action "garfield" movie.  excuse me, that is NOT garfield.  it looks nothing like him.  same with scooby doo.  i grew up watching them every saturday morning and i am offended by these imposters.

lost in translation, and free to fly

i miss my friends, and i could really use some love right now.

(and thank you for helping make me feel better before, baby)

that bakery got all the bomb frosting, i love these cupcakes like mcadams loves gosling

i really need to see "an inconvenient truth" and "the da vinci code".  damn, i haven’t even seen "snakes on a plane" yet!  (wait…did it come out yet?)

reading i want to do on and after my trip includes fast food nation; red lobster, white trash, and the blue lagoon; and lucky man (michael j. fox’s autobiography).  jen, can i borrow these please?

getting pumped for a busy summer.  so many things i’m looking forward to.  i will bullet point:

• puerto rico
• laura’s bridal shower
• kathy griffin show in nyc
• my laser skin treatment (at long last)
• marisa’s graduation party
• andi’s baby shower
• miss nj weekend in ocean city
• 10 year high school reunion
• rob and jo-ann’s wedding
• denver trip
• my birthday
• the birth of andi’s child (hayden!)

and then i start rehearsals for my show in august.  yippy skippy.

**oh sweet jebus.  caroline just knocked on the door with a box of magnolia cupcakes for us.  i am enjoying one right now with a tall glass of cold vanilla soymilk.  mark just ate one and goes, "i feel ill, but in a good way."  guys, i need to be in a bikini next week!!  aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!**

so after work on saturday night, i met up with mark at jerry’s bar across the street.  i had planned to just stop in and say hi before i went home to do yoga and eat steamed fish and veggies, but five coronas, one shot of jamison’s, two slices of pico de gallo pizza, a few newports, a couple of ozzy ozborne jukebox songs, and three games of pool later…there was no yoga to be done.  we had fun, though…our neighbor mike was bartending, ray was there (toothless drunk, but a dear, sweet man), and marc and leo came by, too.  i heard there were some highjinks on south street later in the evening, but i ain’t sayin NUTHIN.

does your smile contain a shit chiclet?

busy as a bee lately.  lots of work, which is good.  just finished a trade show working for a wcm software company, and actually had a blast.  worked with really cool, down-to-earth people.  today i finish up a bank promotion, and have my usual cosmetics promo this weekend.  no work next week, cosmetics promo next weekend, and then, at 6:10am on memorial day…we fly to puerto rico!  we decided to take a vacation like this now rather than in the winter like we planned because i have no idea what my availability will be like after my show ends in october.  i’m hoping that it leads to another contract.  so, we go now!  snorkeling, the el yunque rainforest, the bacardi factory, and lots of vegging.  can’t wait.

did anyone watch the "er" season finale last night?  i don’t usually watch that show, as it jumped the shark years ago (i was officially done when the read-headed kid from "fame" showed up as the mean doctor).  however, we left the tv on after "will and grace" and were too lazy not to watch it, only to see that the guy who made david smoke crack on "six feet under" was on!  weird.  the episode was okay, but, in typical "er" fashion, too many tragic coincidences ruined it for me at the end.  i love you, maura tierney, but it’s all too much.

my wisdom teeth are still coming in, slowly but surely, and i really need to get them removed.  however, i can never seem to find the right time to do it.  i’m always doing a show, auditioning, having other surgeries, etc, you know.  they’ve been coming in for years, but they’re not really affecting my bite, although they are partially erupted and could get infected.  i really gotta just bite the bullet and get ‘em yanked (no pun intended).  and i really hate going to the dentist.  it would take one of my two front teeth turning brown to make me WANT to go.

anyhoo, i’m off to work. 

the stepford wife speaks!

laura bush doesn’t believe the polls that show georgie’s dismal approval ratings:

"I don’t really believe those polls. I travel around the
country. I see people, I see their responses to my husband. I
see their response to me," she said.

"As I travel around the United States, I see a lot of
appreciation for him. A lot of people come up to me and say,
‘Stay the course’."

stay the course?  as opposed to…?  what a dumb bitch.

no.  i take that back.  i relate to laura bush, actually.  i once believed that this really fat guy in a red suit climbed up and down my chimney once a year, and also that charlie sheen was past his coke and hooker days.  i believed that one day, chloe sevigny would wear something normal in public.  i have finally faced the truth, and boy do i feel free!!  laura–call me.

i think she should go on starting over…but only if iyanla is her life coach.  rhonda would do her no good.

haiku thursday

the only way you
can "C.Y.A." is if you
have nothing to hide.

off to work i go!
my manager, a white girl
named keisha.  who knew?

smoking weed with a
toothless drunk is a great way
to end an evening.

d: make out with tipper, final answer.

i spent FOUR AND A HALF hours at the car dealership today, before they finally gave me a rental and sent me on my way.  it was hell.  i was relegated to eating soft baked chocolate chip cookies from the vending machine (ok so those were really good) and watching "millionaire"–the meredith version, of course.  i forgot how dumbed down that show is…jeez…the first ten questions (to get you to $1000) are so easy it’s insulting.  "what cookie is a ‘chocolate sandwich cookie’?"…uh…wait…nilla wafers?  no?  damn!  "in a 2005 speech, what did al gore swear he would never do again?"…um…hold on…is it "d", make out with tipper?  NO?  god damn it!  and then when the contestant breezes through the questions and makes it to the $1000 mark, they still make a big fuss.  like, "hey, wow!  congratulations!  you’re not mentally retarded!!  woo hoooooo!"  anyway, we have a jeep liberty now while our car is in the shop and it sucks.  i don’t like it one bit, sir.

i also went to reading terminal market today to pick up some eats for dinner.  for those non-philadelphians, it’s a giant old train station?  bus terminal? that now houses a big marketplace with fresh vegetable and fruit stands, all kinds of seafood and meats, bakeries, kitchen goods stores, coffee and sandwich shops, you name it.  lots of amish vendors, and lots of opportunity to get organic and/or just really fresh, yummy stuff.  it’s like i’ve died and gone to heaven when i’m in there.  i can get an iced mocha, stroll around, and get everything i need.  i found an amazing spice shop there today, which had such a huge selection–did you know that there are several different types of paprika?  i picked up some loose mango tea there that smells amazing. 

dinner tonight was great, if i do say so meeself…roasted herb de provence salmon drizzled with lemon mustard aioli, parmesan cous-cous, and a beefsteak tomato, cucumber, and red onion salad.  lemon blackberry cake from the flying monkey patisserie for dessert. 

after i shopped, i took walter to the dog run.  i walk through another park to get there, and it’s usually really chill, with lots of kids and parents hanging out.  today, when we were almost out of the park, another boxer came running toward us like a bat out of hell, leash dangling from his collar.  he attacked walter fiercely, and i couldn’t get him away.  i started screaming for help, and finally the dog’s owner was able to pull the dog off.  i was so stunned i couldn’t even speak.  walt seemed ok, though.  this woman sort of shrugged like, "i don’t know what happened!" and apologized weakly.  i yelled at her that she needs to be responsible and keep her dog leashed.  she indignantly replied, "he was!"  um…ok…something does not compute.  i stood there for a moment and checked walter for cuts.  he was fine, and totally unfazed (little bastard jumps at a garbage bag rustling in the wind, but is fine being attacked?).  and then i watched this woman return her dog to his post: right next to the jungle gym, leash under a rock.  news flash, lady…that didn’t work last time!  and with all those toddlers running around, she should be ashamed of herself even bringing a dog like that there.  this dog was vicious.

so, on to the dog run, and there was totally a party going on there!  it was great!  they were having a cinco de mayo happy hour fund raiser for the park, with $1 margaritas.  um, yes please.  i didn’t have any cash, so i scrounged up four quarters in my purse, ghetto style.  i’m not about to sit there and let a party happen around me!  turns out there will be happy hour fund raisers every other friday from now on, and i am so there. 

work tomorrow.  oy.

hilarious

stephen colbert and helen thomas are my heroes.  if you haven’t seen colbert’s speech at the white house corespondents dinner, with his accompaning video featuring ms. thomas, you need to.  watch it here before it gets taken down (note: it’s in three parts).

dear ms. pot…

…you got the cliche wrong.  it’s the pot that calls the kettle black, not the other way around.  and, once again, you speak vaguely, proving you have nothing to say.

you’ve basically plagiarized me again, this time on a subject that i mocked you about!  are you that stupid, or just completely shameless?

somebody should really tip your fiance and friends off to what a complete fraud you are.  i’m sure they deserve better.  and that’s the main difference between you and i at this point–i have nothing to hide, and you do.  does your fiance know that you read your ex-boyfriend’s wife’s blog every single day and send her nasty messages through fake profiles?  didn’t think so.  just so you’re aware, i have everything documented, from day one.

i’m sorry, dear readers, i won’t bore you with much more of this.  but i almost find her fascinating.  i mean, i couldn’t make this shit up if i tried.  my sister made a good point today after seeing this chick’s profile: how tacky is it to put a large picture of your engagement ring as your default pic?  it’s like screaming, "LOOK!!  SOMEBODY LOVES MEEEEEEEEE!!!!"  haha.  and cold play is always funny, especially because they’re like, her favorite band and she has seem them live and still spells it wrong.  "i’d like some play, please…and make it cold this time." 

i was happy to read in the news this morning that a deal was reached with major beverage distributors so they will no longer provide sodas and sugary drinks to schools.  it’s about damn time.  this country is so fat, it’s so not cool.  speaking of fat, i feel like i’m gonna pop right now!  we just ate lunch at a bbq place, and it was so very good, but so filling.  i am an occasional secret shopper, and i had to shop this place today.  yummy.  and free!  a great combo.

i love my dermatologist.  is it weird that i actually look forward to my visits?  i found them so randomly, but i could not have picked a better office.  first of all, everyone there is super nice.  i’m actually a patient of the physician’s assistant, cara, not the main doctor, but i’ve met dr. klein and she’s wonderful, too.  they are so sweet to me and totally do me special favors.  it’s an aesthetic dermatology office, which is nice because they do laser surgery, sell camouflage cosmetics, etc, and are very aware that as an actor, my face is very important for me.  anyway, the point is, they’ve been trying to schedule a laser treatment to zap the red spot on my cheek for a while now, but couldn’t get me in.  today, they scheduled me for a different type of laser treatment, which is usually $500 a pop, for a fraction of that.  i’m not sure how or why they are doing this for me, but they are, and i love them for it.  it’ll take 3-4 treatments, but it will even out the rest of my face, too, so i’m stoked.

i made pad thai last night, which was very, very delicious.  the recipe was boring, so i spiced it up by adding tofu, yellow peppers, and asian hot sauce.  my apartment is a mess, so i gotta go take of that. 

fall apart again

i just had a very productive day running errands.  doncha love those days?  i do.  i also realized that i LOVE shopping at linens and things for household stuff.  so nerdy, but new kitchen towels and shit really satisfy me, okay??

i made guacamole and margaritas and mark and i sat out on the balcony for a little early evening siesta.  glorious.  i’m really on a cooking spree lately, so we can eat in rather than eat out/order in all the time.  i know i’ve said this before, but we seem to be sticking to it this time.  it will make us healthier and wealthier, and it seems to be a nice stress reliever and creative outlet for me.  today i made the guac, pitchers of lemon/lime-ade and passion fruit iced tea, and will be making fresh potato gnocchi for dinner.  the gnocchi are actually very simple…i got the recipe from GQ…keep it on the D.L.

and now, the news in review:

• the supreme court ruled in favor of anna nicole smith today.  i fucking love it.  i know she a gold digga ain’t messin wit no broke-broke but really?  her late husband’s son needs to step off and realize that his old man loved him some titties and was willing to pay for them.  he married the bitch and left her his money.  end of story.
• rush limbaugh has to pee in a cup for the next year and a half in order to have prescription drug fraud charges against him dropped.  "do you think if there was any real evidence, we would have reached a settlement?" limbaugh said monday on his radio show.  rush, sweetie…sshhhhh…don’t dig yourself anymore holes.  and no you can’t have my leftover tylenol with codeine.
• "take a deep breath.  david blaine’s latest stunt is spending a week living in an 8-foot acrylic sphere filled with water."  memo to david blaine:  no one cares anymore.  you’ve peaked.  bye.

and that is all.  finally getting my color done tomorrow, yay!

i know i’ve mentioned her before, but y’all really need to check out brandi carlile.  her album has been on repeat in my car for days now…

"self-respect goes unexpressed, i don’t dream because i cannot sleep.  and i think the world of myself but the world doesn’t think much of me.  as long as the day is full of time there will always be room for your hand in mine…"