sisquo would be proud

let me share my flip-flop triumph with you. 

you see, i’ve never been able to wear thongs…sandals, that is.  thong underwear is wonderful.  but the shoes…oh no.  it’s not usually the thing between my toes that bothers me so much, it’s the straps across the top of my feet.  they hurt and always give me blisters and cuts.  so several years ago i resigned myself to sandals with just a wide strap across the top, or ones that have the little toe ring at the top, and a wider strap across the foot below it.  through the years i have gone back to the thong occasionally, willing
them to be comfortable, only to be disappointed again in the end.   i have some really cute non-thong sandals that i get complimented on every time i wear them.  so you’d think i’d be satisfied.  who cares about thongs, right? 

well, i’m sorry, but when it seems like the rest of the free world can wear thongs, i get jealous.  i mean, everywhere i go, thong thong thong!  in every store!  for every price, high and low!  i can’t possibly be the only person with small, narrow, delicate feet who can’t wear thong flip-flops, can i?  even my sister, who i thought had the same problem as me, bought a pair of white platform thong sandals a few summers ago.  i felt so alone.

when shopping for my recent trip, i was once again overtaken by the urge to fit in: to be a thong flip-flop wearer.  i went to aldo, and saw a cute pair of platform flip-flops with wide straps, similar to my sister’s.  they looked so comfy!  and they were SO painful.  damn.  i went to pacific sunwear to try on those rainbow brand flip-flops everyone seems to love.  not as painful, but…not comfortable at all.  le sigh.

and then, j. crew.  my last stop.  another pair of white platforms caught my eye, but these had elastic straps.  hmm…worth a try…okay, not bad…the thing between my toes kinda sucks, but the straps, they’re not cutting into my feet.  they’ll just be my crappy, semi-comfortable pool shoes.  not a total triumph, but progress.  and then…i saw THEM.  navy blue thong flip-flops with with wide, cotton, madras-print straps and a thin strip of tan leather as the toe thingee.  i loved them.  i slipped them on…and they were good to me.  utterly comfortable.  i looked around the store suspiciously…could this be happening?  could it be real?

i bought them.  and i wore them all around puerto rico.  i left the white ones in my suitcase.  i think i’m in love with my flip-flops.  i’m wearing them right now, actually.  and i finally feel…that i’m a part of something…i, kelley, am a thong wearer. *tear*

sunday sunday

puerto rico was amazing.  i’ll do a full recap later.

yesterday was laura’s bridal shower up in chatham, which was lovely.  i left early because my stomach was upset, but it was nice to spend some time with my mother and sisters-in-law, as always, and to chat with laura and trish a bit.  for those of you that are lost, laura is mark’s first cousin, and trish is paul’s girlfriend (paul is laura’s brother, so also mark’s first cousin).  mark and i spent last night in…gave walter a bath (he NEEDED it after a week in the "country"), ordered some indian food, and chilled.

this morning we slept in, had brunch in liberties walk, and enjoyed the art fair that was going on.  i got jess an awesome birthday gift, which she will get tomorrow…at the kathy griffin show!  i can’t wait.  should be a blast…my friend amy, who i love to death but have not seen in, like, five years or so, is coming.  yay!

just took walter for a long walk with caroline and anouk, walter’s best gal, and they had a nice make-out session.  ah, young love.  and now, seven minutes till sopranos.  this better be good.

i feel a little bit like jerry jewel

wednesday morning, i woke up with a stiff neck.  this has happened many times before, and any soreness is usually gone by mid-day.  after a few minutes, though, i realized that this something entirely different.  i believe i pinched a nerve in my neck, because to move my head was excruciating, and i had the occasional tingle down my arm.  long story short, i spent the lat two days doing nothing except being miserable.  i woke up this morning feeling like i was on the road to recovery, and i have a chiropractor’s appointment for this afternoon, so hopefully he can help me feel even better.  he’ll probably give me a quick adjustment and then send me in to a massage therapy session.  to which i will always say…bring it on!  i’m just so relieved that i feel improvement today.  i was worried that i wouldn’t be able to travel on monday.  which would have been tragic.

i left out what exactly woke us up wednesday.  there are condos being built across the street, so there has been some loud construction pretty early in the morning lately.  truthfully, it doesn’t bother me all that much.  i can usually sleep through it, and when i’m awake, i just tune it out.  well, the jackhammers started at about 7:30am, followed by screaming, ranting, and raving from my building’s upstairs balcony.  one of my neighbors was cursing the workers out, and then THREW A METAL ROD DOWN AT THEM.  wtf???  this guy has serious issues…he’s the worst neighbor ever, yet he seems to have a problem with everyone around him.  seriously, him and his girlfriend complain constantly about everything under the sun, yet are rude, loud, and inconsiderate.  and apparently crazy and violent.  and the kicker of all this?  the guy building the condos is our landlord’s best friend, and this guy knows this.  whatever. i really don’t feel safe with him living here, and i hope he gets tossed out on his ass so i never have to hear his lame-ass KTU goomba dance music blasting ever again. ugh.  there is so much more i could say about the two of them, but it’s making me too mad.

can we talk for a sec about the american idol finale?  i have not the time to do a full recap, but a few things need to be mentioned:

• what is wrong with meat loaf?  no, seriously, i’m worried.  and furious that the producers would make katharine sing with him in that condition.  he was nowhere near the right key, he was shaking violently, and he looked as though he was going to eat her.
• "i made it through the rain" was the best they could come up with as an opening song?
• "puck and pickler" was offensive and boring OMG PRODUCERS ENOUGH WITH THE PICKLER SCHTICK!!
• paris and al jarreau, awesome, elliot and mary j., awesome.
• taylor and toni braxton…scary.  first of all, what was up with the weird breathy over affected could barely hear her singing voice?  and even worse, why was she literally grinding up against him and smiling and laughing when they were singing "in the ghetto"?  she is a hot mess.
• not only do i hate clay gayken, i am now thoroughly creeped out by him with that hair.

all in all, this finale was the best one they’ve ever done.  the format and performers were way more interesting than ever before.  but for every great moment, there was an equally scary one (example:  prince performs…david hasselhoff crying in the audience).  and tuesday’s episode was the worst.  ever.  the singles that they write for the finalists are usually bad and way cheesy, but this year they reached new levels of suckdom.  katharine’s song was the worst piece of shit i’ve ever heard, and her performance of it was even worse.  taylor’s song was a little bit better, and he sang it fine, but it was just so not him, ya know?  anyway, taylor wins, paula claps like a seal, blah blah blah.  see ya next season.

random thought:  i really hate that there is a sequel coming out to the live action "garfield" movie.  excuse me, that is NOT garfield.  it looks nothing like him.  same with scooby doo.  i grew up watching them every saturday morning and i am offended by these imposters.

lost in translation, and free to fly

i miss my friends, and i could really use some love right now.

(and thank you for helping make me feel better before, baby)

that bakery got all the bomb frosting, i love these cupcakes like mcadams loves gosling

i really need to see "an inconvenient truth" and "the da vinci code".  damn, i haven’t even seen "snakes on a plane" yet!  (wait…did it come out yet?)

reading i want to do on and after my trip includes fast food nation; red lobster, white trash, and the blue lagoon; and lucky man (michael j. fox’s autobiography).  jen, can i borrow these please?

getting pumped for a busy summer.  so many things i’m looking forward to.  i will bullet point:

• puerto rico
• laura’s bridal shower
• kathy griffin show in nyc
• my laser skin treatment (at long last)
• marisa’s graduation party
• andi’s baby shower
• miss nj weekend in ocean city
• 10 year high school reunion
• rob and jo-ann’s wedding
• denver trip
• my birthday
• the birth of andi’s child (hayden!)

and then i start rehearsals for my show in august.  yippy skippy.

**oh sweet jebus.  caroline just knocked on the door with a box of magnolia cupcakes for us.  i am enjoying one right now with a tall glass of cold vanilla soymilk.  mark just ate one and goes, "i feel ill, but in a good way."  guys, i need to be in a bikini next week!!  aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!**

so after work on saturday night, i met up with mark at jerry’s bar across the street.  i had planned to just stop in and say hi before i went home to do yoga and eat steamed fish and veggies, but five coronas, one shot of jamison’s, two slices of pico de gallo pizza, a few newports, a couple of ozzy ozborne jukebox songs, and three games of pool later…there was no yoga to be done.  we had fun, though…our neighbor mike was bartending, ray was there (toothless drunk, but a dear, sweet man), and marc and leo came by, too.  i heard there were some highjinks on south street later in the evening, but i ain’t sayin NUTHIN.

does your smile contain a shit chiclet?

busy as a bee lately.  lots of work, which is good.  just finished a trade show working for a wcm software company, and actually had a blast.  worked with really cool, down-to-earth people.  today i finish up a bank promotion, and have my usual cosmetics promo this weekend.  no work next week, cosmetics promo next weekend, and then, at 6:10am on memorial day…we fly to puerto rico!  we decided to take a vacation like this now rather than in the winter like we planned because i have no idea what my availability will be like after my show ends in october.  i’m hoping that it leads to another contract.  so, we go now!  snorkeling, the el yunque rainforest, the bacardi factory, and lots of vegging.  can’t wait.

did anyone watch the "er" season finale last night?  i don’t usually watch that show, as it jumped the shark years ago (i was officially done when the read-headed kid from "fame" showed up as the mean doctor).  however, we left the tv on after "will and grace" and were too lazy not to watch it, only to see that the guy who made david smoke crack on "six feet under" was on!  weird.  the episode was okay, but, in typical "er" fashion, too many tragic coincidences ruined it for me at the end.  i love you, maura tierney, but it’s all too much.

my wisdom teeth are still coming in, slowly but surely, and i really need to get them removed.  however, i can never seem to find the right time to do it.  i’m always doing a show, auditioning, having other surgeries, etc, you know.  they’ve been coming in for years, but they’re not really affecting my bite, although they are partially erupted and could get infected.  i really gotta just bite the bullet and get ‘em yanked (no pun intended).  and i really hate going to the dentist.  it would take one of my two front teeth turning brown to make me WANT to go.

anyhoo, i’m off to work. 

the stepford wife speaks!

laura bush doesn’t believe the polls that show georgie’s dismal approval ratings:

"I don’t really believe those polls. I travel around the
country. I see people, I see their responses to my husband. I
see their response to me," she said.

"As I travel around the United States, I see a lot of
appreciation for him. A lot of people come up to me and say,
‘Stay the course’."

stay the course?  as opposed to…?  what a dumb bitch.

no.  i take that back.  i relate to laura bush, actually.  i once believed that this really fat guy in a red suit climbed up and down my chimney once a year, and also that charlie sheen was past his coke and hooker days.  i believed that one day, chloe sevigny would wear something normal in public.  i have finally faced the truth, and boy do i feel free!!  laura–call me.

i think she should go on starting over…but only if iyanla is her life coach.  rhonda would do her no good.

haiku thursday

the only way you
can "C.Y.A." is if you
have nothing to hide.

off to work i go!
my manager, a white girl
named keisha.  who knew?

smoking weed with a
toothless drunk is a great way
to end an evening.

d: make out with tipper, final answer.

i spent FOUR AND A HALF hours at the car dealership today, before they finally gave me a rental and sent me on my way.  it was hell.  i was relegated to eating soft baked chocolate chip cookies from the vending machine (ok so those were really good) and watching "millionaire"–the meredith version, of course.  i forgot how dumbed down that show is…jeez…the first ten questions (to get you to $1000) are so easy it’s insulting.  "what cookie is a ‘chocolate sandwich cookie’?"…uh…wait…nilla wafers?  no?  damn!  "in a 2005 speech, what did al gore swear he would never do again?"…um…hold on…is it "d", make out with tipper?  NO?  god damn it!  and then when the contestant breezes through the questions and makes it to the $1000 mark, they still make a big fuss.  like, "hey, wow!  congratulations!  you’re not mentally retarded!!  woo hoooooo!"  anyway, we have a jeep liberty now while our car is in the shop and it sucks.  i don’t like it one bit, sir.

i also went to reading terminal market today to pick up some eats for dinner.  for those non-philadelphians, it’s a giant old train station?  bus terminal? that now houses a big marketplace with fresh vegetable and fruit stands, all kinds of seafood and meats, bakeries, kitchen goods stores, coffee and sandwich shops, you name it.  lots of amish vendors, and lots of opportunity to get organic and/or just really fresh, yummy stuff.  it’s like i’ve died and gone to heaven when i’m in there.  i can get an iced mocha, stroll around, and get everything i need.  i found an amazing spice shop there today, which had such a huge selection–did you know that there are several different types of paprika?  i picked up some loose mango tea there that smells amazing. 

dinner tonight was great, if i do say so meeself…roasted herb de provence salmon drizzled with lemon mustard aioli, parmesan cous-cous, and a beefsteak tomato, cucumber, and red onion salad.  lemon blackberry cake from the flying monkey patisserie for dessert. 

after i shopped, i took walter to the dog run.  i walk through another park to get there, and it’s usually really chill, with lots of kids and parents hanging out.  today, when we were almost out of the park, another boxer came running toward us like a bat out of hell, leash dangling from his collar.  he attacked walter fiercely, and i couldn’t get him away.  i started screaming for help, and finally the dog’s owner was able to pull the dog off.  i was so stunned i couldn’t even speak.  walt seemed ok, though.  this woman sort of shrugged like, "i don’t know what happened!" and apologized weakly.  i yelled at her that she needs to be responsible and keep her dog leashed.  she indignantly replied, "he was!"  um…ok…something does not compute.  i stood there for a moment and checked walter for cuts.  he was fine, and totally unfazed (little bastard jumps at a garbage bag rustling in the wind, but is fine being attacked?).  and then i watched this woman return her dog to his post: right next to the jungle gym, leash under a rock.  news flash, lady…that didn’t work last time!  and with all those toddlers running around, she should be ashamed of herself even bringing a dog like that there.  this dog was vicious.

so, on to the dog run, and there was totally a party going on there!  it was great!  they were having a cinco de mayo happy hour fund raiser for the park, with $1 margaritas.  um, yes please.  i didn’t have any cash, so i scrounged up four quarters in my purse, ghetto style.  i’m not about to sit there and let a party happen around me!  turns out there will be happy hour fund raisers every other friday from now on, and i am so there. 

work tomorrow.  oy.

hilarious

stephen colbert and helen thomas are my heroes.  if you haven’t seen colbert’s speech at the white house corespondents dinner, with his accompaning video featuring ms. thomas, you need to.  watch it here before it gets taken down (note: it’s in three parts).